young adults,
“Mawiage. mawiage is the reason we are gathered here today!” Or so says the priest in the fan-favorite film, The Princess Bride.
In my 29th year I started a very unhealthy relationship that ended in a lot of hurt. Seemingly unrelated, shortly thereafter I felt drawn to understand this concept of someone being “addicted” to pornography. I started doing the research and began to educate myself. The short summation of this long journey that spanned about 6 years of my life, is that I created a documentary film, The Heart of the Matter – Finding Light in the Darkness of Pornography Addiction, and through this endeavor I have heard hundreds, if not a thousand, personal stories from sex addicts, their spouses, their children, from those sexually trafficked and from reformed pornography actors and producers. I have spent hundreds of hours at conferences focused on recovery from this addiction and conferences battling this horrific industry. I have given classes and talks on the subject. I am an expert now in this area.
My passion is to help you to avoid the pain so many women and men before you have had to endure out of ignorance. It’s really only been the last 12 years or so where plentiful education about and tools for understanding sex addiction have become available. Unfortunately, to date there have been very few laws enforced or legal preventions created to protect the current and previous generation from the on slot of pornographic material online – so it is easily accessible and so very private/secretive. It’s only been in the last 7 or 8 years where the fringe of mainstream media is starting to confess that there may be truth in the claim that pornography can be addictive and can lead to a myriad of problems – some of the least of which include unhealthy sexual expectations and damage to relationships. And we are only beginning to understand the current epidemic of “betrayal trauma” which is what most wives of sex addicts are diagnosed as experiencing.
The bulk of you may know some things about pornography from the personal exposure you may have had. You may agree it’s addictive, but most of you don’t really know what that means, or what that looks like, or how it can impact you (or your future children) if you marry a sex addict. Most of you believe that marrying a religious person, who is good, means you are getting a righteous spouse – who either repented and is now clean or who was always pure/chaste. Many of you still think a sex addiction is about an over interest in sex that can be “fixed” by getting married. But alcoholism isn’t about an interest in alcohol. Nor is a heroin addiction about an interest in heroin.
If there is one thing I am sure of, as religious peoples or as families, we still do not prepare the young adults in our culture to have meaningful and educated conversations with potential partners about pornography and healthy sex.
And so this is why I am writing this letter. It’s a message and a plea for you to educate yourself on sex addiction and also learn enough through safe books or safe friends to understand what kind of healthy sexual relationship you desire to have in a marriage.
So – lucky you – I want to get you some information now so that you are more prepared. I’ve seen too many in my close circle who have suffered great pain because they were living in a lie with a spouse they thought they knew and could trust. This heartache has caused massive ripple effects, including the loss of faith, divorces, and in a few extreme cases it has led to violence. I don’t wish that pain for any one of you – to go into a marital relationship without having asked meaningful and important questions about sex and addiction of your potential mate. I want you to be able to make a conscious choice to become a companion of a sex addict or not.
It’s important to understand, if you don’t already, that unless one has lived in a cave or remote compound, every person today has had exposure to pornography. That exposure could possibly just be “normalized” pornography in mainstream ads and movies or could be accidental or unintentional exposure to harder pornography. Because men generally have a more intense sex drive, men are more susceptible to using/seeking out pornography than women. The accidental type of exposure is maybe 5% of the male population under 40 (being generous here). Most young men (about 95+%) have intentionally looked at pornography online. Stats tell us (provenmen.org 2014 survey) that nearly 50% of self-identified Christian men are addicted or think they may be.
It is also worth reminding that this is not just a “man” problem. Women, too, can become addicted to sex/pornography. In 2014, provenmen.org found that about 10% of religious women struggle with sex addiction. But more are users or dabblers in pornography or struggle with masturbation. If you are such a young lady – YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Just know that this experience adds an additional layer to your needed education. You need to understand how your own experiences will impact a marriage. You need to seek your own recovery and forgiveness. You need to be open and vulnerable about it with the people you trust. I want to note, from my experiences, I have witnessed when an addicted woman truly decides to heal – she does. Unfortunately, a lot of men spend decades or even a lifetime trying to overcome this addiction and stop relapsing (it isn’t really over until they finally figure out a true change of heart and create a new dedicated relationship with God – which seems to in general be easier for women to embrace).
If you are not aware, a majority of online pornography depicts violence against women. Fifteen years ago, in 2007 a study was done analyzing several thousand videos of the most popular online porn content at that time – 89% of the scenes contained verbal abuse toward women and 47% contained physical abuse. And trust me when I say it has gotten worse in the last decade+. This info is not meant to freak you out – but I think it wise that women have some idea of what many men are participating in and associating with sexual orgasm. I don’t think you are all naïve about what is out there online – but I don’t want to assume you know either. A lot of men who now spend time online looking at porn are looking at aggressive images. Rape; group rape; anal sex; ejaculating on the woman’s face; and slapping, gagging, choking and insulting women are synonymous with the “pleasure” of sex. Deviant pornography use is also on the rise with the porn industry intentionally leading viewers to look at “barely 18” images of girls who often look more like 13 or 14. Child pornography is the fastest growing form of pornography. You can see the impact of this use of “barely 18” form of pornography in how it correlates with the sex trafficking of children. In the US the most requested age of a “prostitute” is now age 14. (Please note that a 14-year-old girl is never there by “choice” and cannot be a “prostitute”, she is a victim of trafficking.) Understand that there is a direct correlation between increased use of pornography in our culture and the increased demand for buying others for sex. Incest or “milf” themed pornography is very popular. Also worth understanding is that, depictions of homosexuality and bestiality and many unhealthy fetishes are easily found in online pornography.
Viewing any type of pornography CHANGES THE BRAIN. What is called the “arousal template” is changed when viewing this kind of content – especially repeated viewings. Sexual concepts that would never have been thought of without pornographic exposure have trained the brain to desire them. It may also be worth noting here that young men are finding more and more that real live women don’t arouse them. Only 2d images of other people performing sexual acts arouse them (again damage to the arousal template). It is becoming a cultural phenomenon that so many young men in their early 20’s are being diagnosed with erectile dysfunction – a disorder previously attributed to men over 50.
With all of that info said, the biggest concern I have for all of you – is don’t be charmed by the outward appearance of or a checklist of “goodness”. A religious person or someone raised in a conservative culture will most likely be savvy enough socially not to outwardly display any unhealthy sexual desires, but don’t assume that because they haven’t pushed the sexual boundaries in your dating relationship that they haven’t been impacted deeply by pornographic content. Many young men (and some young women) are struggling, but they have learned that to be accepted in the culture in which they live, they have to LIE. ALL. THE. TIME. Unfortunately, in general, religious and conservative cultures do not yet let them have the room to confess and heal. Shame is real and powerful. And it leads those who feel it to live double lives: one life/face for the world/church/you and one in private that is filled with self-loathing and sin. And if you marry such a person, it will not be long before you get in the way of this private life and they will lash out, keep you at arms-length, blame you (or others) for everything wrong in their life, and seek or demand time to isolate. And in really bad situations a man may become abusive sexually or violent physically. All these unhealthy actions in an effort to protect this coping “medication” – the sexual release they get through pornography/masturbation/acting out sexually with others.
So what do you do?? Never marry? No, that isn’t my hope for you. Just that you learn how to have healthy, honest, meaningful conversations with a potential mate. I want you to learn to listen to your intuition (or “gut”) and trust in that. I want you to have choices and not be trapped. I want you to be able to make conscious decisions if you choose to marry someone who struggles with this issue and get some education behind you – so that you are more prepared for potential fallout and do not become an enabler. I want you to bolster your self-love and confidence and not to unwittingly become yet another victim of sexual violence or trauma. Because it is traumatizing to feel like you aren’t “enough” to satisfy your partner and to live in a world filled with lies.
So you need to prepare and be willing to talk openly with any potential marriage partner. This can and should be more than a 1-time conversation. Here is my advice:
1) Prayerfully consider when in the dating relationship it is needed to talk about this issue. Too early could scare off a good match and not at all could land you into a world of hurt after marriage.
2) It may prove valuable, as a precursor conversation, to talk about shame in general. If you need to learn more about shame/vulnerability/blame I recommend Brene Brown. She has some great Ted talks and books.
3) Prep your partner before the conversation by saying you would like to talk about pornography (or talk about “serious matters”) – this needs to be said in a non-shaming, non-judgmental way. Any hint of disdain on the topic on your part and it will likely keep them from being honest for fear of losing you. Set a date and time to have the discussion. Have the discussion in a place you both feel safe. If your potential mate refuses to talk about it or feels a lot of shame and cannot talk about it – this is a very big red flag.
4) Pray by yourself before-hand and ask that the Spirit and the angels that love you will be there to help you say the right/needed things. Pray for the other person to feel safe and to be honest with you. Pray to be compassionate, but also to not get suckered into “fixing” their problems – because you can’t fix the problem.
5) Start the conversation with them by expressing a desire for real honesty and for understanding. That you want to hear them out and hope they will hear you out. You need to be prepared and be open to hearing things you won’t like – meaning if you start to judge or shame them with even just your facial expressions they will most likely shut down and not be honest. So essentially, keep your cool and be non-reactive.
6) It would be wise to open up and be vulnerable back with them during these conversations – what do you struggle with? What has been your biggest weakness/temptations? Have you struggled at all with masturbation or pornography? Were you ever sexually abused or traumatized? Do you carry a lot of body shame and how will that impact you both if they struggle with pornography? What have you or do you currently carry a lot of shame over?
7) Assume they have seen pornography. Asking, “have you ever seen pornography?” at this point is useless. A good starter question might be “Would you tell me about your experiences with pornography?” And if they claim to have “never” then ask them to define pornography – so you can understand what they define pornography as. If they still insist they have NEVER and also act offended and blame you for mistrusting, then it is safe to assume they are not being truthful – and it may be wise to bow out of a relationship with someone so completely submerged in shame.
8) Follow up questions might be:
a. When were you first exposed to pornography? How did it happen? Did you experience any sexual abuse as a child? (Keep in mind it is estimated that 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually abused before age 18 and this experience may be intrinsically tied to their current sex addiction.)
b. Have you ever told anyone else about your use of pornography? How did sharing those experiences affect you?
c. Do you think you may have a compulsion or addiction to pornography or sex (including masturbation)?
d. What kinds of pornography have you looked at? (just look for genre’s here like “milf”, “barely 18”, child pornography, homosexual pornography, etc., and not seek detailed descriptions)
e. Are you currently involved with using pornography or otherwise acting out in sexual ways? (like “hooking up”, masturbating, strip clubs, sexting, etc.)
f. How frequently do you look at pornography or otherwise act-out sexually? (masturbation is the most common form of “acting-out”)
g. Have you ever sexually abused someone else? Taken advantage of someone else’s vulnerability for a sexual encounter? Did you ever push things too far with a girlfriend/boyfriend or force sex on someone (rape)? (These are VERY challenging, but important questions – so use caution and use the spirit. Be aware this may create more shame for someone who did this and they may become really angry you asked. It is important to know if early use of pornography led them to act out sexually on a sibling, cousin, neighbor, etc. It will be important to understand if this did happen – why siblings may dislike them, why they may not allow the cousins to come over, or it may prepare you if siblings pursue some kind of retribution/confession in adult life. It would be good, too, to understand if these early sexual experiences have now influenced their arousal template – meaning are they going to struggle with finding children sexually arousing? Or if they forced (or coerced) a girlfriend/boyfriend to have sex with them, will they treat you that way in marriage?)
h. What steps have you taken to find help or recovery? Repentance, prayer, and working with clergy are great, but typically not enough to really recover – so what outside help have you sought? A therapist? SA (sexaholics anonymous/12 steps) or any recovery program or support group?
i. Do you feel that your experiences with pornography have shaped your sexual preference and expectations? (If you decide to marry this person and they have been honest about their experiences with porn, follow up conversations on what their sexual expectations are will be good to have. You need to have some idea of being “on the same page” and be willing to have these kind of conversations. I’ve heard numerous stories of horrible wedding nights: brides locking themselves in the bathroom on the honeymoon and crying because the sexual expectations are so off between the two. Sadly, this first sexual experience was traumatic/violating. Often men who have had their desires shaped by pornography may want rough sex, may expect anal sex, may call you dirty names, pull your hair, or choke you, or may gag you during oral sex, etc. Most women do not enjoy these acts of violence in their sex lives; it is abusive and degrading. This is where a healthy sexual education before you marry on what consensual sex should be like, is important. What are you willing to try and what are you not comfortable with? And remember you still have the right to say “no” on your wedding night and throughout your marriage. You are not the “righteous” outlet for a sex addict – don’t let yourself get used or abused to “save” them from sinning with pornography or acting-out.)
Basic definitions for you to understand, to make things clearer when you talk with someone about their experiences…
Normalized Pornography – what we see every day in ads, TV, magazines, music, etc. This is the sexual objectification of another person, usually women, often focusing on specific body parts to sell something.
Erotica – the consensual, respectful, and mutually beneficial depiction of sexuality (this is not seen a lot in our current culture). While not as emotionally or spiritually toxic, this can also create problems in relationships.
Soft Core Pornography – this is very common in media today. It’s the blatant sexual objectification of someone (usually teen girls or women), involving some or all nudity and/or the visual depiction or verbal description of a sex act.
Hard Core Pornography – the depiction of not only sexually blatant objectification, but also graphic imagery of sex acts and sexual organs; often depicts violence. Fetishes or deviances are also common.
Illegal Pornography – the use of coerced or trafficked women, teens, or children to depict sex acts. Child sexual abuse images – AKA “child pornography”. Bestiality falls into this category. Minors “sexting” sexual images of themselves also falls into this category.
Some general advice:
1) Follow your gut. Do not talk yourself out of doubts if you feel them. If you feel they are withholding the truth, you are probably right.
2) If they are honest about their experiences and they entail a regular (even if sporadic – aka looking a few times a year, but consistently year after year) use of pornography or sexually acting out and they have not made any effort to seek help or recovery – you need to request that they go to regular SA/group meetings at the very least. OR if they have been honest and said that they have resolved the issue and are “fine now” – request that they start attending regular SA/group meetings just to keep things on track. (While sincerely seeking women often succeed at recovery efforts, most men need to make several efforts at recovery and most have set backs before they really get what is needed to recover and make the necessary efforts to do so. Please understand that overcoming an addiction is not done on one’s own – it takes strong community and a love of God.)
3) If you choose to stay in a relationship with a regular or sporadic user – it could be wise to join an S-Anon or other support group for spouses/partners and attend regularly.
4) If your significant other refuses to seek help or says they will, but doesn’t – this is a BIG red flag. Take a step back and really think about if you should continue that relationship.
5) Understand that a sex addiction is not about sex – it’s about not knowing how to cope with the challenges of life. Sex/porn is just the drug of choice. It is never about you, or you not being enough, or not being sexually satisfying to your spouse. Even if they blame you – it isn’t you that isn’t enough – it’s the addiction that can never be satiated.
6) Living with an addict who refuses or doesn’t understand recovery is painful. It permeates your life every day. It will deeply impact your children. It will turn you inside out. Do NOT think marriage will resolve this issue. Again it isn’t about sex, but about a mismanagement of emotions by coping with pain, stress, rejection, depression, etc. with sex. No amount of sex with you will heal them of a desire to use pornography/act out. They have to want to change their heart and lifestyle and put forth the work.
7) Chances are your potential male mate will have an issue on some level – so you can’t disregard a man who is honest, vulnerable, and willing to work on it. He is the guy to stick with (if your gut tells you he is being truthful).
8) Please know that even while hard at first, ongoing, open conversation with your partner on things we have typically feared talking about will increase the chance of your marriage being successful. Addictions, affairs, and abuse thrive in silence and secrecy. So the more you can have vulnerable, supportive conversations (for both of you) about temptations, unwelcome thoughts, fears, past sins, etc. the more protection you create for your marriage and family.
9) There is a chance your gut and/or prayer will not give you the “right” answer and you will unknowingly marry a sex addict anyway. This was the case with many of the women I know now going through this trauma with their spouses. They had no idea to ask any of these kinds of questions and they trusted in the Spirit with the “yes” answer to marry that man. Well the hard answer may be that the journey to recovery or even separation from that spouse may be what was needed for that individual to choose to draw closer to God. This painful journey truly can lead you back to God as an individual or as couples. So it isn’t a failure on your part if that happens. BUT now that we have so much more info and understanding on this issue – I HATE the idea that so many young people seeking a partner today are still flying blind.
10) Take time to educate yourself beyond this letter. “Be prepared, not scared.” Some suggestions to start with would be watching my movie The Heart of the Matter, reading He Restoreth My Soul by neurosurgeon Donald Hilton, looking at the SA Lifeline.org website, participating in a group like Fight the New Drug, find a Christian or conservative book on healthy sexuality…etc.
Okay, I’m going to end this LONG letter. I want you to know I have a deep love and concern for all those seeking healthy marriages. I want good things for all of you – including a loving, respectful, safe, happy marriage. Remember you have value in the eyes of God and a purpose to fulfill in this life even if what you hoped would be a good marriage eventually crumbles because of sex addiction. You can fulfill your divine role of womanhood/manhood in a variety of healthy, happy scenarios. But it is very hard to fulfill your divine role when you are being dragged down by addiction – theirs or yours.
I hope this letter will help you be more prepared to make healthy choices when considering marriage. I hope this letter will help spare you pain. I hope this letter gives you more confidence to tackle a difficult subject.
All my best,
Jessica Mockett
